Day 40

Even though I have lived in Newberg for almost five years now I have never been to my grandparents grave.  My grandma passed away in 2002 and grandpa in 2007.  Today I went.  I think of them often when I pass large milestones in my life.  When I graduated from high school, though it was a momentous occasion, I could not help but feeling a sense of loss.  I know that my grandma wanted to see my graduate and she died when I was in eighth grade.  Then grandpa died the February before I graduated so he was not able to see me either.  Even though it has been a while some days the pain and sadness is enough to drop me to my knees and steal my breath away.  There are things that I regret that I try not to let myself dwell on too much.  When grandpa died I was supposed to visit him that weekend and he passed the day before.  I was the only one in my family who did not get the chance to say goodbye or to even see him before he died.  I know that I cannot do anything about that but sometimes I can't help but be angry at myself and the fact that I didn't go with Dad and Robyn the day they went.

So much of who I have become is because of these two people in my life.  My grandma is my hero and admire so much of who she was and what I remember about her.  She made such an effort to be involved in mine and Robyn's lives before she died.  I remember trips that she and I took, especially the one to Lake Chelan.  I remember that we were chased by a goose and I found a half dollar.  I remember going to see plays at George Fox and when she nursed a terrible sunburn I got at camp Tillikum.  I remember playing in the filbert orchard behind their house, picking raspberries and imprinting our hands in the newly poured cement of their back porch.  For my twelfth birthday we went on a hot air balloon ride and I almost drank champagne by mistake.  Some of the other memories I have are not so happy.  I remember her getting sick and wishing that God would let me take her pain away.  I remember that she died the day after I finished reading the Psalms to her.

Now that I have graduated from college I cannot help but feel a little sadness too that she and grandpa were not able to be there, that they cannot see who I have become.  I miss her acutely as I am learning what a heart I have for marginalized women.  There is no doubt in my mind that some of this comes from her influence on my life.  I wish she knew the woman I have grown up to be and that I could share this passion with her.  I wish we could sit down over coffee and talk about my faith, my struggles with men, and how I want to be with women in the sex industry.  At the same time I am incredibly thankful for her and how she invested her time in me while she was here.  So, it may seem silly, but I went to her grave today and shared with her some of the things I've accomplished in the last four years.  I sat and let myself both laugh, cry and remember what an amazing woman she was.